I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
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I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
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Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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