You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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