He uses pillows to masturbate.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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