My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
