"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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