hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
