I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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