my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
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