your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
