So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
