I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
