Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
