You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
29 Of The Most Hilarious And Embarrassing Walks Of Shame Ever
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
These 23 Dudes Get Giddy From Dem Titties
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...