you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
not ubering you a puppy
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
