She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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