girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Randomize
