Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
