I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We are all done wearing pants today
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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