What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
