Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
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