He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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