I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Randomize
