Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
there is glitter all over my balls
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
