I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
