capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
