stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
