ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
