And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Just pee around me
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
