I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
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You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
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Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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