don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
