i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
