We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
