this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??