Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.