I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
My balls are so social today.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
