Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
