We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
