Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
