Me. At least after what I've been through.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
