Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
