i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize