Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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