i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
