I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I fill condoms, not promises.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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