You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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