Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
