Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
