i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
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