ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
