Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
