I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
