I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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