I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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