My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
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