Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
