god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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